For those of you who don't know, i think i might be possibly the worst person to say Goodbye to. Apart from the insane crying and vocal sobbing i just can't seem to do it secretly, it seems that i just cant hide my emotions and its pretty embarassing..
In the last few dayz i have had to say Goodbye to some of my favourite people in all the world... and i have basically been an emotional wreck. From Crying hysterically in Wetherspoons in front of loads of old men, who looked on me with
eyes of concern to shops to airports where i feel its only right you cry there.. i mean show some emotion!!!
I have been wondering why i seem to be more emotional than most..and i seem to be hurting more.. and i think my crying is actually made up of different emotions all coming out in the act of stream of tears rolling down my face and wrecking my nice makeup. I think my tears are 60% 'i am goning to miss you' emotion, 40% ' i am afraid' emotion.
What am i afraid of? well i am glad you asked... fear of flying, ( i am not a good flyer) but more a fear of 'what if i cant do this' ?... What if i fall on my face? Make a silly spectacle of myself or Hate it and want to come straight home? But aren't christian's suppose to be fearless, isn't love suppose to cast out all fear? Am i not as godly as i need to be to do this journey? Am i packing an extra few Kg's of fear and doubt in my suitcases more than i need to and therefore exceeding my quota ?
But i have come to the conclusion that being a christian doesn't mean you don't get scared or have doubts... but that you know God is bigger and you keep giving all the fears to God, Hour by Hour or minute by minute in my case..is whats going to get you through. i know that it is only him working through me, that i will be able to do this summer, and if i think anything else i am surely wrong... Its not the absence of fear but knowing that someone who has conquered fear and all my other issues squeezed into my emotional suitcase, that i carry... Last summer there was a quote in the Ibiza Farm kitchen that said ' God doesn't call the qualified but qualifies the called... which i love.. I am so not qualified.. but its God that does it through me... so i just need to trust in him.
I have a feeling God is Going to open my overweight suitcase and show me the items that i carry that make me overweight, that are not needed on this journey, they are old, or just don't work anymore.. Does it mean i will be able to control myself at Good byes, no way, if you see the crazy woman howling, dragging herself around someones ankles pleading not to go, it very well might be me!... But i am going to try and give the fear/doubt tears to God cause he is going to do something with it, i'm on a journey right.. but its on that journey that you learn what is essential packing and what is not!
Teach Me Lord..
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